So, in my very first blog post I’ve mentioned suffering with anxiety and depression, having been to therapy a couple years back for it and found that it never worked for me. Now that I’m older I decided to give it another go. To say it was easier this time would be a lie. If anything, it was harder. I’ve been through so much more since my last session years ago, and it’s harder to talk about it, because I feel in a lot of ways, I took a lot of steps back. With the current Covid19 situation in person sessions aren’t even a question, so going through online therapy was my only option. In a way, it brought a certain comfort because I hate people seeing me cry and in this, I could’ve gotten physically vulnerable without a witness to it. So, there was some relief to that. But did it help?
The first two sessions were painful mostly because of the silence, the beauty is they don’t push you to talk, you start when you’re ready, the most I got out in my first session was my name and why I wanted to start therapy again. We talked a bit about my previous sessions, I let her know my distaste for it but that I understood that maybe I needed to try again and that was it. The second session I talked a bit more on what I discussed in previous sessions. By the third we got more into the beginning of my childhood, which I realized that I still held a lot of pain from. I realized that a lot of my recent mistakes have been a result of pent-up trauma and issues I never dealt with. I only reached till I was about when I was 9 by then.
I only managed to do two weeks of therapy before I had to stop due to finances. But in those two weeks I got in some way a form of closure for some issues I pushed down and refused to deal with. The truth is I know I have a lot to deal with. In speaking I realized just how much I’m really affected by the things that happened to me, things I thought I managed to get over but the truth is she made me realize I never allowed myself to even cry about it the way that someone should be allowed to. Growing up I was always expected to be the strong one. The one who comes to the rescue for friends and family, and I don’t mind because I like to be there for the ones I love. There was one situation that she was helping me deal with and that was the loss of a great friend and the guilt I held onto because of it. This friend and I were actually pretty close we used to talk almost every other night, and I know it was a genuine friendship. In the midst of a toxic relationship, I was made to stay away from this same friend. One day he messaged me wanting a listening ear, and out of fear I turned him away, three days later he was announced missing and later that day his body was found. It’s been a couple years since that day and my body and mind are still racked with so much guilt. Because he died and the last memory of our friendship is me turning him away. The day of his funeral I made a promise to myself that I would ALWAYS be there for my friends and family because I never know when it’s the last. It’s why I try to fix any problems I have with anyone I try not to go to bed angry whether it be friends or family because I never know if it’s the last. The last 30 mins of this session I cried, like full on ugly cried, but I listened. My therapist explained, that she understood the guilt that it was natural because I lost a good friend and the last thing we did was fight. But she explained to me that my action was out of being abused and fear and that I needed to understand that my actions while hurtful as it may have been to him, that there was a strong chance he didn’t hate me and he would’ve remembered the good times. That I needed to accept my mistake and to recognize how much stronger I am now as a person, but not because of what I take on but my understanding that I needed to heal.
The point of that story was to understand while there are times we do things out of fear, pain or anger, it’s important that we recognize when we make a mistake and screw up and instead of slowly killing ourselves with guilt we allow ourselves to heal. We forgive ourselves. We, at times, are our biggest critic and the ones who judge ourselves the most. I can’t explain how many times I damned myself because of mistakes and let it control my life. It’s necessary that we learn and accept our mistakes so we can grow and become better people because of it. Everyone is allowed to become better and grow.
Over those two weeks I know we didn’t get to everything, maybe not even close. But in my last session with her, we talked about how much I have grown and healed. The ability to open up and talk about things that I otherwise would’ve kept bottled up and being able to write again is actually proof of that, I haven’t written in over a year and I know it was because I lost a lot of motivation too. Emotionally I was just drained, I still am. But slowly I wanna find back that ability to do the things that I love most. Art, music and more writing. During this time it’s hard for most of us, especially the ones who are struggling financially, to not be able to provide for yourself or your family is one of the worst things a person can go through. Add in previous pains and traumas and it’s a rollercoaster for the lot of us.
Being honest I’m unsure if I’ll start back, it did help for those two weeks allowing me to talk and get some advice from a professional to know my actions in some ways weren’t wrong and to even accept and deal with the times I would’ve been negative to myself and others. The weeks previous to starting back therapy were hard. I was facing insomnia, or extreme tiredness during the day even if I slept, I was irritable, my anxiety levels were high, and I found myself in several episodes and relapses of my depression. A couple of times I found those dark thoughts creeping in and my mind wandering and slipping and while I know to myself I’ll never attempt to take my life again like when I was 15, it’s hard on some days to stop those thoughts from coming in. But I’ve grown to be more aware of when it happens. I’m trying to gain more control of my mind and my thoughts and reversing it into thinking positive when I can, but at the same time allowing myself to breakdown and cry if I need to. True strength isn’t in holding it in, it’s recognizing when you need to take a break or have a good cry or even just breathe and actually doing it. Being able to say you need help or to admit you need to heal is true strength. It takes more courage to put yourself out there than to keep it in and that’s something I had to learn. Because not only would I be doing a disservice to myself but to everyone around me as well, especially those who care about me, because I won’t be able to be my best self, for me or them.
I know for me it was hard to even begin to talk, after years of coping this way, of holding it all in because of the fear of being judged or burdening people, it’s hard to start to talk. But it’s important that we do. The first step is the hardest but when you do get started the rest while still difficult can get easier. But we have to be willing to be and do better, because while we can go to therapy or talk to a friend or family member at the end of the day you still have to be willing to change and heal. No one can do that for you. After the first session, I sat wondering though if I made the correct choice. I mean I used to think in a lot of ways that therapy was a joke, I mean you’re paying someone to listen to you, but in some ways isn’t that what we need? Someone to listen to us and not pass judgement or to let us know we’re not as crazy as we feel maybe even let us know we can get better. Its reassurance that we’re gonna be okay.