In this time of isolation where we have to change how we live our lives for a couple weeks, some of us months, this might be the perfect time to focus on yourself. It’s the perfect time to focus on healing.
As I have stated many times in my blog before, I’ve been through some traumatic and life changing events. Most of which left damage, that years later, I have yet to fully recover from. There is no wrong way to go about your healing, but there are some problems that can arise in the midst of it. It’s important to understand that everyone’s situation is different, and the process in healing might be different for each individual. What works for me might not work for you, but the first step in healing is admitting you need to heal. Often times we think after we’ve been through something traumatic that after a good cry, we’re okay but that’s far from the truth for some of us. We at times don’t want to admit that we need healing because sometimes thinking about what happened to us can be difficult and more painful than when it actually happened. But to begin the process of healing we need to analyze what it is we’ve been through and take it on step by step.
It’s important to note that when healing things can get messy, you may be under stress, feel various emotions from anger to sadness to emptiness even. It’s crucial that you don’t let these moments of emotions cause you to act out, especially on the people we love. I’m not going to lie this is very difficult for me, I know I have a huge tendency to act out and overthink and let it get the best of me. I go through certain moments in my life and it gives me flashbacks to times that have severely hurt me. I overthink things to be worse than they are and hurt myself more than anything. I over analyze and have it in my head that the people I love are all going to leave me and I prepare for the worst. I prepare for the hurt. I take out my anger and frustration on the people who are closest to me, who are there for me, which I know is wrong and if I’m not careful may cost me them. I’ve realized that when I have those moments of worthlessness that I tend to push people away because I think it’s easier to deal with than when they walk away. For a while I was told by people closest to me how much of a bother I was, how I was annoying, how my episodes of anxiety and depression were frustrating for them because they didn’t want to handle it. That I was too much and simply not worth it. This has led me to never reach out for help, because when you’ve tried many times and you never receive it, it’s difficult to ever do it again. It’s the main reason why I try to make myself available for my friends and family when they need help or support because I know what’s it like to not have it. I’ve come to realize though that I may have been just asking the wrong people. I’ve seen statuses and post from many people saying if someone truly loves you, that they’ll stay through the difficult times, through the episodes of depression, through the anxiety attacks. On one hand I used to disagree because I never saw it fair to ask someone to put up with that, but it was because I never saw myself worth dealing with. The next side is me agreeing with the statement, that to someone out there I’m worth dealing with, but at the same time I know that in certain aspects for example me lashing out can make things difficult because then I become toxic as well, and that’s something that we need to ensure we don’t do. That in asking someone for support and help that we don’t begin taking advantage of it, or become toxic to that person. The line can be blurred at times and it’s a challenge, especially when moments of anger or frustration arise but it’s necessary to speak up in those moments, ask for the help, state that your anger is flaring, I need a moment to calm down, I need help to control it. It’s better for the person who is there to support you to see a moment of weakness than a moment of anger. It’s also very important to note that there is no shame in asking for help, in asking for support, the right people will be there for you.
One thing I’ve tried to do in the process of healing is try to become the person I was before the trauma. We need to note that, that’s never going to happen, we’re never going to be that person again. Sometimes I look at myself in old photos and see how happy I was, how I was different, I was more bubbly, I was unashamed of everything that embodied me, a person who unapologetic of who she was and didn’t care for judgements passed against her, and I wish I could be that person again. I’ll never be her, not exactly at least. I could work on becoming that bubbly and unashamed person again, but I’ll always see life and people a little differently now, I’ll be stronger now though, I’ll be prepared and notice the signs when I may be finding myself in those situations again. It’s a bittersweet change when we grow and heal from things that have changed and hurt us. But just because things and you have changed, doesn’t mean it needs to be for the worst, it can very well be for the best, we just have to work on seeing and making it that way.
One very important piece of advice I would give to those who are healing is to not go back to what broke you in the first place. Don’t go back to that toxic ex, don’t go back to that situation that gave you nothing but pain. Don’t remain friends with people who brought you nothing but discomfort and hurt. Don’t keep close contact with family members who never have anything positive to say, who only judge and bring you down. Don’t do it. Putting yourself back into toxic situations and with toxic people can only send you backwards. I know the familiarity is what carries us back, sometimes even the thought of an ex becoming irrelevant to us can become scary. Because you gave so much to someone, the idea of them no longer being there can be difficult to deal with. But being used to someone or certain situations is not a good enough reason to go back to it. You’re only going to find yourself in more trauma and more pain and no brief moment of happiness is worth a whole relationship of sadness and frustration. If a person or situation brings you more hurt, more tears, more anger, makes you into a person that you’re not, then it’s not meant for you. It’s hard to let go of things and people who we’ve had in our lives for so long, but the beauty in letting go is making room for things that are truly meant for you, people that would treat you the way you’re meant to be treated. Who would love, support and care for you, who would make you laugh and smile, who would hold you when you cry. A person you can be unapologetically yourself around. A person who embraces all that you are, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally and spiritually.
In the process of healing, remember the things that made you happy, that made you smile. Remember the people who were there for you, who are still there for you. The new friends that you might have made, the new and good experiences that you might have had. I always remember how good it feels to be in the ocean, and out in nature, how it feels when I’m with my friends and family that I love and care for. How anytime I need to feel better my best friend is there for me. How I have someone to talk to. I remember how good it feels to dance even though I have no dancing skills but I love to do it anyway. I think about how I used to love to sing and I belt out my favorite songs in the car, ignoring whoever may be looking. Remember how good your favorite food tastes, how cold water feels on a hot day. How it feels to be told I love you, how a hug from a person you care for feels. How your favorite hobby, whether it be playing games, going to the gym, gardening, remember how it calms you and eases your stress. Meditate and pray and calm your soul. Do some self-care, cut your hair, change the colour, do your nails, get a shave, get a face mask. Take care of your outer self, as much as your insides. Embrace the bad days, embrace the times you want to cry, you want to scream, embrace the pain and the hurt and rise from it. Embrace the changes and the new person that you are becoming. No one said life is easy, it’s anything but, it messy and confusing, and it’s painful. But it can also be happy, and crazy in the best way. It can make you laugh till you cry and smile till your face hurts. It can make you happy. Life is so incredibly short and yes there is pain, but there is also beauty, and it’s important to remember that in the moment of darkness, light can still shine through. You just have to heal, and while it is difficult it is oh so worth it.